song otd 9/17/25

Today's song of the day is solari by ryuichi sakamoto. maybe the reason why im disassociating is because i keep listening to this song. this song makes me feel unreal. like im slipping between reality and unreality. async is slowly becoming a top 3 ryuichi album for me.

daily thoughts 9/17/25

disassociation

why did nothing feel real today at all. i feel like i just had some bad memory come up and im trying to erase it. It felt like i was outside my body and i was just moving today not actually doing anything. it felt like i didnt exist idk. outside of this reality. and im invisible to everyone. 

i feel like ive been losing my damn mind since the past 2 days 💀 i feel like something terrible is about to happen

school is not going great for me both academic wise mental health wise and relationship wise its over for me no way i actually thought things were gonna get better this year.

i dont want to do anything except lay down on my bed, but not sleeping, just laying down like a hospital patient

i really wish i could just go back in time and stopped everything from happening

free write #1: hunger

ok guys im gonna try to do a short free write as often as i can now to improve my writing u guys can give criticism or whatever. new series: free write!

Hunger

Its three o' clock. School just ended. It's raining and humid. My hair is a mess and I shut the front door of my house behind me. I stormed up the stairs and shut the second door of my bedroom behind me. I take off clothes and the first thing that I do is just lay down on the bed face-side. 

My sweat was seeping into the pillows like my body was merging in with the bed with how hot my body temperature was. Breathing heavily to calm my excruciating headache, I counted. Hold your breath. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Now breathe out. One, two, three, four. It calmed me down a little bit, but still that headache remained. I knew that silly little breathing technique that I learned two years ago in therapy never helped.

I rose up from the bed like I had just gotten up in the morning and just stared down at the floor, not particularly looking at anything. During these brief moments, I would just let my mind be blank, or at least try to be, which usually calmed me down. I was the type of person whose mind would always control them rather than a person that could control their mind. 

Still not feeling completely calm, I decided to get on my computer. Wanting to escape this headache, I went on my daily websites and scrolled until my train of thought was an old rusty 1900's train instead of a rapid-fire metro subway. I went on to blogger and made a post, like always, just venting about how much I hate life to my one follower. (This site. Yeah. This is getting super meta. I should not put this here ANYWAYS). 

Everyday, it seemed like this headache would always find some spot in my brain to attack. And everyday, it seemed like everything was always the same. Wake up, go to school, talk to people who don't care about you, get abysmal test scores, come home, do even more homework because apparently school wasn't enough hell, sleep. Well, no wonder I constantly had these headaches.

Even after all that scrolling, the headache still remained. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to lay down on my bed, with my blankets right up under my chin and just staring at the ceiling. The blank, flat drywall canvas that laid in front of my eyes made my mind draw pictures in it. I visualized my day at school-- how stressed I was writing that AP literature analytical paragraph (which I did terrible on). It made me mad just how much better than me all my classmates were. Why was I not good at anything? 

That question started to take root at my stomach and it felt like someone was digging a hole in myself, taking away the joy from me. From there, I could feel something behind my eyes. Something-- liquid-like. Tears. Again. This has always happened-- whenever I experienced even the slightest bit of stress, I would always just break down. My mind commanded my eyes to let down a stream from my eyes and I just let it happened... for a couple minutes.

After it had all stopped, I rose up from the bed again. I grabbed a tissue from my tissue box and wiped away my tears. I sat down on my chair and just let the silence flow through in and out my body. I looked out the window and noticed that the rain had stopped and a sunset has emerged. There was nothing except for me, the sunset, and the silence. Hmm. How nice. Until my stomach made a growling sound. Oh yeah I didn't eat anything today. 

Even though I didn't feel like eating, I knew I had to eat something. Just like how my mind controlled me, my stomach controlled my body as well. I stood up and trudged along to my bedroom door. Going down the stairs like a person with a broken bone, I crawled my way to the kitchen. Looking through the snack pantry, I scanned what was inside and decided on a little choco pie. I trudged along back upstairs into my room and teared the wrapper that the choco pie was sealed in. I took a bite. 

For a long time, I felt that whatever I ate just never made me full; but right now, this choco pie filled a hole in my stomach. My body temperature went down and my eyes felt dry again. Back to normal-- I mean. After finishing it all, I threw away the wrapper in my trash can and took a deep breath. One, two, three, yeah, alright I get it, breathe in, breathe out, just get on with it. Normal? Normal. But now-- after all that mess-- I felt hungry, actually hungry. I went back down again, running down the stairs. 

My mom was making dinner and I asked if I could join. I grabbed a bowl of rice, sat down, and ate to my heart's content. I ate a little too fast and let out a big burp. 

My mom, as usual, scolded me for eating too fast, "Stop eating so fast, it's gonna be bad for your health in the future!"

But I just laughed. I was really full. 

- - - - - - - -

Author's note: heyy guys this my first real fanfiction ok . i wrote this in one sitting and its very very unserious and not meant to be professional at all. but i just wanted to write like how my personality actually is. i want to improve on my honesty and my voice in my writing. and also just to get better at writing diction and prose. anyways hope u guys laughed at my demise. subscribe and hit that like button. also feel free to give any type of criticism cuz i really need it. dont be afraid to be mean cuz this is a very unserious piece of writing.

daily thoughts 9/16/25

christmas

ive started to associate christmas with sadness more than warmth and happiness. partially because of merry christmas mr lawrence and little match girl 💀 but anyways its not only cause of that.

christmas is the loneliest and most solemn holiday to me (besides birthday) and idk it really did used to be happy but now its just like. nothing burger holiday. and i know every year ppl always be saying this christmas was trash. but like its true 💀 

i used to hate christmas when i was 13-16 ish because there was no spirit anymore. there was nothing to look forward to except getting disappointed from the presents u received. but now im starting to think different. nothing has changed about christmas it still does not have that "christmas magic" but theres a certain comfort to it that i find now. 

even though loneliness still lives inside of me and is literally tearing me apart. it feels different on christmas. on christmas even when theres nothing special going on, theres a little hope that i feel. that things will somehow be ok in the future. maybe cuz its the last month of the year. this is how i feel on new years day too which is btw my favorite holiday. on new years day i feel hopeful and happy that a year has passed and new things will start again. my favorite season will come back again and ill face whatever crazy stuff life has to throw at me. my attitude towards christmas is starting to become like how i treat new years day. 

its lonely but comforting. even when u have nobody there is still that mysterious charm to life. u never know whats going to happen next whether its sad or happy but it still happens and it makes life enjoyable. its like when u feel sad and start to cry but u still cant help but smile for some reason. christmas is my 2nd favorite holiday now lol new years is still number 1

Merry Christmas !

ranking my top most influential media

i forgot to rank them last post well ill just make a new post anyway since that one was long as hell

1. Classic rock / kagepro (i put both of them here because i genuinely dont know which one would be more influential to me. theyre like my top most influential things to me based on what i like now. if it werent for these 2 then i would not be the same person)

2. ymo / ryuichi sakamoto / mcml (i know i just got into it like 6 months ago but it was influential to me ok i would not be the same person without ymo or ryuichi)

3. kirb / utdr / mlp / ppg (i forgot to say ppg is what made me start digital art)

4. studio trigger anime + mha (got me into anime yeah)

5. ashita no joe (i wanted it to be higher and i still love anj buttt other things were more influential to me i think)

6. okegom / dsp 

7. devilman

8. little match girl

9. kekkai sensen

most influential pieces of media to me

wanna talk abt media that influenced me in some way (not really favorites but influenced me) i may not like some of these anymore but i wont lie the influence that they had on me

little match girl - idk if this is really influential but it stuck a lot with me throughout the years. it was like the first sad book that i read. also i feel like this book was what made me enjoy tragic stories like ashita no joe lol also everytime i listen to merry christmas mr lawrence i think abt this book

MERRY CHRISTMAS MR LAWRENCE (THE SONG) - boy i already talked abt this but listening to this song at the age of 7 really changed me ngl. and to think years later... that i would become a hardcore ryuichi sakamoto fan... truly astonishing

kirby, undertale (+ deltarune), mlp, ppg - grouping them all together because they all influenced me in the same way. those were like the first fandoms that i was ever in. especially ppg because i used to draw so much ppg fanart. and also for undertale it influenced my writing style kinda. and kinda got me interested in rpgs. also undertale was like my first exposure to gay people lmao

my hero academia - sighhh i think mha was the first anime that i ever watched. i dont like it anymore but it was like my first taste of "actual" anime. i put actual in quotes because ofc i watched stuff like pokemon and crayon shin chan, detective conan, dorameon, etc. but i didnt really see them as anime yknow. those were just like korean cartoons to me lol

studio trigger anime - studio trigger anime were the animes that really got me into anime i think. like kill la kill, space patrol luluco, little witch academia. also they influenced my artstyle a lot i think

kekkai sensen - idk if this really influenced me but i loved this anime to death back in like 2015-2017. i think it made me want to go to new york really badly lol. still one of my favorites of all time. also banger soundtrack with gorgeous art. idk kekkai sensen is everything i want to see in a slice of life anime with slight plot

okegom/dsp works - ssighhh i dont like or support okegom/dsp anymore but i cant lie the amount of influence they had on my art. their art and character designs are still one of my favorites to look up to and get inspired by. god i wish dsp was normal cuz i love their art/character designs so much and also watgbs wasnt that bad. i still love wadanohara

classic rock (esp the beatles and led zep) - idk if this really counts as media. but like i used to have a huge classic rock phase when i was like 13/14 i think. and it really was the start of my musical journey i think. into discovering newer genres and also getting obsessed with retro stuff so yeah it influenced me a lot. not a huge fan of either bands anymore but i still listen to them from time to time and i still like their songs. not a fan of the members tho lol. also i hate the beatles fandom now. wow theyre so annoying

kagepro - i already wrote an entire essay abt this so i dont have to write anything more lol. but my god i would not be the person i am today without this series. was the catalyst for my adventure into the world of japanese music.

devilman - really got me into older anime/manga. im so happy i read this series. i love older anime and manga. i was influenced by my classic rock phase of liking retro stuff more than modern stuff

ashita no joe - truly truly the most inspiring story ever. got me into sports for quite a while. and i still think it has the greatest ending in all of manga history. fav manga ever. inspired me so much mentally. also it helped me a bit to get rid of my social anxiety.

ymo/ryuichi sakamoto - self explanatory

daily thoughts 9/13/25

ryuichi sakamoto changed my life bro

watched a 1 hr long ryuichi interview today and it changed me lowkey. everytime i feel like a failure and feel like my art is meaningless and i want to kill myself i just watch some ryuichi interview and then feel inspired again. genuinely the greatest person thats ever lived. 

him talking abt how he constantly reinvents himself and his music which throws him back to being a beginner and its like discovering music for the first time again 💔💔i needed to hear that especially right now cuz i feel like im a beginner and everyone else is so much better than me. thank you ryuichi for telling the world that it isnt wrong to be a beginner even in our competitive society. and thank you for being humble all the time. 

and him talking abt the first trump presidency (the interview was from 2018) and his american friends were all crying and sobbing and he talked abt how important it was to still strive on and create art in these times. its more important to create art in times of desperation. I WILL ryuichi sakamoto thank you so much. 

in art class today this one teacher who i fucking hate was making fun of me for being slow and kept pressuring me that time was ticking. and i really thought abt if i should even go to art school in the first place and just give up but then i remembered ryuichi sakamoto exists and i got a surge of inspiration in me

also in the interview he said that he was learning korean french and chinese all at the same time when he was in his late 60s. ITS NEVER TOO LATE!

godd i wanna talk to someone abt how much i love ryuichi sakamoto and how much he changed my life but they probably wont even know who im talking abt 😭😭need some other ryuichi sakamoto fan to geek out with. need another ryuichi fan whos as crazy as me

me when ryuichi sakamoto tells me to keep living and keep fighting to make the world a better place and keep creating art for the sake of humanity

changing my hair

i started curling my hair recently and this is exactly the type of hair that i wanted when i was 13 lol i lowkey kinda look like this akina pic

or atleast i hope so (im delusional) this akina look was so fire that aura oh my god... one of my fav akina pics of all time. if only i could have as much aura as akina 💔