hey guys so um i volunteered for once finally today at an elementary school where i just taught kids how to use procreate. and i lowkey didnt even do anything except help out 2 kids and thats it. it was actually kind of fun tho. i feel like im maturing through these experiences. makes me feel nice. also im not really afraid of phone calls anymore. i remember i used to be somewhat afraid of making phone calls but that was probably just cuz i dont like talking in front of my family. when i take phone calls when im not around my family im fine. woaw! i feel so adult!
Tuesday, September 30, 2025
Monday, September 29, 2025
daily thoughts
my biggest dream rn...
dude i pray to god that i get into sva because my dream rn for me as an adult is to live in ny and go to central park or something and sit down on a bench and look at the people walking past me while listening to a day in the park by ryuichi sakamoto. oh my goudddd. it would be the dream. it would be so peak. i can already envision it in my head... i would love my life if i lived in ny
read homestuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
homestuck actually so peak act 1 and 2 boring af but act 3 is where it starts to pick up a bit. this post is targeted towards one person
sept music
heres all the music i listened to this month!!! oooughhhhhh i loved resavoir and p model and techno pop and melancholia and r plus seven and async and all of them
Saturday, September 27, 2025
song otd 9/27/25
Today's song of the day is Luv(sic) by Nujabes! listened to this entire album during art class today and i felt like a college art student doing homework at a cafe it lowkey healed me. this beat is so good. ok fine. i will get into nujabes
daily thoughts 9/27/25
homestuck pilot today...
HOMESTUCK PILOT TODAY 😭😭😭😭 i watched it. in my heart its 10/10 peak but truthfully speaking it was like 7/10 tbh it was pretty good. only thing i didnt like was dave. what did they do to him. also the pacing was so bad but its a 11 minute pilot episode so i can forgive them for that. tbh if u know nothing abt homestuck then this pilot will probably be incomprehensible 💀
BUT PLSS WATCH!!!!! PLSPSLSPSLS !!! I NEED A FULL SERIES PLS PLS WATCH IT AND LIKE THE VIDEO FOR ME PLS I NEED IT 😭😭😭
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| SHES SO CUTEEE 😭😭😭 |
also today wouldve genuinely been a peak day if my period didnt start today. my stomach hurt so bad. also i worked on my clamation today while listening to nujabes and it was such a vibe. i really like the claymation im working on rn. heres a quick preview of it! its like 0% finished i didnt even do the timing yet and didnt even put all the frames yet
Friday, September 26, 2025
daily thoughts 9/26/25
hot take on communication
ok well i actually communicated for once in my life. being honest and stuff. and i told my friend abt how lonely i was and why nobody wanted to do anything with me and ok they going to hoco with me now. i feel bad. cuz i basically am just forcing her to do something that she doesnt want to 😭i dont want to make someone who doesnt want to hang out with me to hang out with me cuz then its just awkward for both of us 💀i lowkey be giving up on this friendship stuff
i thought communication fixed everything. but it lowkey making me feel worsel,,. i wish i didnt have to tell people what i expect of them 💀
Thursday, September 25, 2025
daily thoughts 9/25/25
I FOUND MY PEOPLE???
do u guys remember that weird floating eye thing that i used to see when i was a kid. omg i just found this instagram reel that other people relate(??) to as well
most ppl in the comments are talking abt eye floaters and visual snow syndrome and i dont think it was either of that but im still glad the original poster sees floating eyes like me (or used to)
speaking of instagram reels...
i love it when one of my (niche) interests just suddenly jumpscare me on instagram reels.
like these one
like omg bro thats cosmic surfin by yellow magic orchestra literally smiled so hard im gonna explode i love ymo so much
and also this one!! 😭😭thats tong poo by ymo!!!
and this one... haruomi hosono mentioned... peak
i lovee ymo so much omg. i feel like ive been listening to them more than usual lately even tho im always listening to them
and speaking of ymo...
guys i finally listened to technodelic 💔💔this my last ymo album... im so sad... no more ymo content after this 💔💔anyways but omggg this album is so good this might be my favorite ymo album ever for real. every song is just such a rhythmic banger. got seoul music and taiso on it. i feel like technodelic is every nerdy ymo fan's favorite album. lowkey 10/10
homestuck is so cool honestly
homestuck is genuinely such a cool webcomic cuz sometimes u can literally interact with the webcomic like theres little flash games and stuff and u can fight enemies. and u can sometimes even control the characters using the wasd keys. and also theres also even cutscenes with music in them. homestuck... perhaps i judged you too harshly. everyone should read homestuck for real
Tuesday, September 23, 2025
daily thoughts 9/23/25
ts really random but i always loved this scene from the first crayon shin chan movie so much. ts what disassociation feels like to me. just staring at something and being transfixed by it and everyone just ignoring you and walking past you. and you dont even realize how much time passed by. its so good.
also i just love how weird/mysterious/and maybe sometimes even creepy the early crayon shin chan movies were. some of the stuff in the earlier movies genuinely frighten me a bit even when i was a kid. like not the horror-movie type kind of scary but like an existential dread (kinda like liminal space) type of scary. i think its cuz they used a lot of unique perspectives and more toned colors and also the music
nowadays crayon shin chan movies fell off so hard 🥀🥀 you can obviously tell theyre just bright colorful movies for kids
yall should watch like atleast the first 12 shin chan movies theyre honestly really good (well in terms of art direction)
found some cool blogs
Monday, September 22, 2025
daily thoughts 9/22/25
rant abt someone in my class
theres this girl in my econ class and omg shes so annoying bruh 😭😭 she comments on literally everything and when i say literally everything i mean literally everything. she comments on everything that the teacher says and even when were doing our own work she says what she thinks out loud. like literally everyone in the class are all quiet and doing their own work and this girl just keeps on yapping bro oh my god. SHUT UPP
and ppl were laughing at her because she wouldnt shut tf up 💀💀 and she kept asking like why are u guys laughing at me like girl idk maybe cuz u keep talking while everyone else is quiet. and she even went to teacher like why is everyone laughing at me. i dont understand whats so funny. and the teacher kept telling her the same thing to stop commenting on everything 😭😭and she was like b-b-but im just sharing my thoughts why would i not want to share my own thoughts i love myself. girl if u love urself so much then why do u care if ppl laugh at you. yall ever see a person so insecure it lowkey pisses you off 💀
i do not care for shibuya kei
i lowkey dgaf abt shibuya kei tbh shibuya kei music does nothing for me. i feel like im the only one cuz everyone and their momma loves shibuya kei but i just dont care for it. i really tried!! ok. i listened to flipper's guitar, i listened to pizzicato five, i listened to lamp, i listened to pitcher56, i listened to serani poji, i listened to les 54321, but none of them really made any impact on me💔i mean i liked them but i wouldnt listen to them on the daily yknow. i feel like shibuya kei music is too loud for me. i do really like some songs tho. out of everyone i listened to i think i like les 54321 and serani poji the best.
man i really hate the 3 japanese music genres that everyone likes 💀i do not care for shibuya kei or vkei or city pop 😭
still thinking abt monster
the more i think abt it the more im starting to love it more. its really a simple story in the end but if u keep thinking abt it it gets really sad. im relistening to the soundtrack rn and its making me think like wow everyone is so miserable just having to hide themselves in order to fit in. thinking abt minato and yori 💔💔💔
also i feel so much clarity after sitting down and just enjoying a story. art is really the only thing that keeps me around tbh. a good story really can change ur life. i feel like i was just reborn (haha get it cuz the movie keeps talking abt being reborn but anyways) i feel like i can actually do my work now. i can never do my work when im under so much stress. art is truly the greatest thing ever
Saturday, September 20, 2025
i watched monster (2023)
yes i did just watch it because ryuichi sakamoto did the music for it but wow what a great film
monster is abt this mystery this boy named minato and he has a single mother and hes kinda weird. hes throwing shit around. hes having outbursts. we dont know whats going on with him! and thats also whats essentially happening in the first act of the film. this big mystery around minato. and it was so intriguing bro i was so hooked. i wanted to know so badly what was going on. and they kept giving these little hints and clues and even more mysteries for the audience to piece together it was so interesting.
and then 2nd act we get a bunch of perspectives from other characters and the story keeps unfolding the mystery like that. where we get a view from another character and the story starts to make more sense. we get to learn more abt minato's classmate yori who they grow to have a friendship and then 3rd act is all abt them.
idk if i can talk abt this movie without spoilers so im gonna keep this review short. also this lowkey the first time i ever watched a piece of media without spoiling myself
i liked this film but the 1st act was really my favorite part cuz the mystery was so intriguing. like i was really assuming the worst happened to the main characters but not really. i thought minato had some supernatural powers or something. but as the story unfolds the facts are really simple. and ok. like i know that plays into the themes of the movie. abt how u shouldnt assume the worst of people. but my goodddd the 1st act was so cool to me. tbh... i didnt really like how simple the truth was... ngl... and how hopeful(?)(that sounds terrible) the ending was. i usually love stories where it has a hopeful and sort of happy ending abt the good of humanity even with all the stuffs that happened. but this movie just didnt hit that way for me idk why. i think act 1 just has an iron grip on me.
anyways i really liked that one scene in 3rd act where the principal was telling minato abt how happiness is not real if only certain people can have it and that anybody can have happiness 😭😭😭yeah it made me cry. the whole movie is abt being true. yknow. be true to yourself be your honest self even in this cruel world. its better than telling lies and living in regret. watching this movie was very mentally clearing for me. been struggling a lot these past few weeks but just sitting down and watching a movie and learning things abt the beauty of life through art... there truly is no other feeling like this in the world!
really good film.. very interesting throughout.. was hooked all the way... except for the last few minutes but thats ok. it was still really good. i really loved it. 4/5 watched this 2 hr long movie instead of doing my homework
also at the end they said in memory of ryuichi sakamoto kill me.
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Thursday, September 18, 2025
Wednesday, September 17, 2025
song otd 9/17/25
Today's song of the day is solari by ryuichi sakamoto. maybe the reason why im disassociating is because i keep listening to this song. this song makes me feel unreal. like im slipping between reality and unreality. async is slowly becoming a top 3 ryuichi album for me.
daily thoughts 9/17/25
disassociation
why did nothing feel real today at all. i feel like i just had some bad memory come up and im trying to erase it. It felt like i was outside my body and i was just moving today not actually doing anything. it felt like i didnt exist idk. outside of this reality. and im invisible to everyone.
i feel like ive been losing my damn mind since the past 2 days 💀 i feel like something terrible is about to happen
school is not going great for me both academic wise mental health wise and relationship wise its over for me no way i actually thought things were gonna get better this year.
i dont want to do anything except lay down on my bed, but not sleeping, just laying down like a hospital patient
i really wish i could just go back in time and stopped everything from happening
Tuesday, September 16, 2025
free write #1: hunger
ok guys im gonna try to do a short free write as often as i can now to improve my writing u guys can give criticism or whatever. new series: free write!
Hunger
Its three o' clock. School just ended. It's raining and humid. My hair is a mess and I shut the front door of my house behind me. I stormed up the stairs and shut the second door of my bedroom behind me. I take off clothes and the first thing that I do is just lay down on the bed face-side.
My sweat was seeping into the pillows like my body was merging in with the bed with how hot my body temperature was. Breathing heavily to calm my excruciating headache, I counted. Hold your breath. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Now breathe out. One, two, three, four. It calmed me down a little bit, but still that headache remained. I knew that silly little breathing technique that I learned two years ago in therapy never helped.
I rose up from the bed like I had just gotten up in the morning and just stared down at the floor, not particularly looking at anything. During these brief moments, I would just let my mind be blank, or at least try to be, which usually calmed me down. I was the type of person whose mind would always control them rather than a person that could control their mind.
Still not feeling completely calm, I decided to get on my computer. Wanting to escape this headache, I went on my daily websites and scrolled until my train of thought was an old rusty 1900's train instead of a rapid-fire metro subway. I went on to blogger and made a post, like always, just venting about how much I hate life to my one follower. (This site. Yeah. This is getting super meta. I should not put this here ANYWAYS).
Everyday, it seemed like this headache would always find some spot in my brain to attack. And everyday, it seemed like everything was always the same. Wake up, go to school, talk to people who don't care about you, get abysmal test scores, come home, do even more homework because apparently school wasn't enough hell, sleep. Well, no wonder I constantly had these headaches.
Even after all that scrolling, the headache still remained. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to lay down on my bed, with my blankets right up under my chin and just staring at the ceiling. The blank, flat drywall canvas that laid in front of my eyes made my mind draw pictures in it. I visualized my day at school-- how stressed I was writing that AP literature analytical paragraph (which I did terrible on). It made me mad just how much better than me all my classmates were. Why was I not good at anything?
That question started to take root at my stomach and it felt like someone was digging a hole in myself, taking away the joy from me. From there, I could feel something behind my eyes. Something-- liquid-like. Tears. Again. This has always happened-- whenever I experienced even the slightest bit of stress, I would always just break down. My mind commanded my eyes to let down a stream from my eyes and I just let it happened... for a couple minutes.
After it had all stopped, I rose up from the bed again. I grabbed a tissue from my tissue box and wiped away my tears. I sat down on my chair and just let the silence flow through in and out my body. I looked out the window and noticed that the rain had stopped and a sunset has emerged. There was nothing except for me, the sunset, and the silence. Hmm. How nice. Until my stomach made a growling sound. Oh yeah I didn't eat anything today.
Even though I didn't feel like eating, I knew I had to eat something. Just like how my mind controlled me, my stomach controlled my body as well. I stood up and trudged along to my bedroom door. Going down the stairs like a person with a broken bone, I crawled my way to the kitchen. Looking through the snack pantry, I scanned what was inside and decided on a little choco pie. I trudged along back upstairs into my room and teared the wrapper that the choco pie was sealed in. I took a bite.
For a long time, I felt that whatever I ate just never made me full; but right now, this choco pie filled a hole in my stomach. My body temperature went down and my eyes felt dry again. Back to normal-- I mean. After finishing it all, I threw away the wrapper in my trash can and took a deep breath. One, two, three, yeah, alright I get it, breathe in, breathe out, just get on with it. Normal? Normal. But now-- after all that mess-- I felt hungry, actually hungry. I went back down again, running down the stairs.
My mom was making dinner and I asked if I could join. I grabbed a bowl of rice, sat down, and ate to my heart's content. I ate a little too fast and let out a big burp.
My mom, as usual, scolded me for eating too fast, "Stop eating so fast, it's gonna be bad for your health in the future!"
But I just laughed. I was really full.
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Author's note: heyy guys this my first real fanfiction ok . i wrote this in one sitting and its very very unserious and not meant to be professional at all. but i just wanted to write like how my personality actually is. i want to improve on my honesty and my voice in my writing. and also just to get better at writing diction and prose. anyways hope u guys laughed at my demise. subscribe and hit that like button. also feel free to give any type of criticism cuz i really need it. dont be afraid to be mean cuz this is a very unserious piece of writing.
daily thoughts 9/16/25
christmas
ive started to associate christmas with sadness more than warmth and happiness. partially because of merry christmas mr lawrence and little match girl 💀 but anyways its not only cause of that.
christmas is the loneliest and most solemn holiday to me (besides birthday) and idk it really did used to be happy but now its just like. nothing burger holiday. and i know every year ppl always be saying this christmas was trash. but like its true 💀
i used to hate christmas when i was 13-16 ish because there was no spirit anymore. there was nothing to look forward to except getting disappointed from the presents u received. but now im starting to think different. nothing has changed about christmas it still does not have that "christmas magic" but theres a certain comfort to it that i find now.
even though loneliness still lives inside of me and is literally tearing me apart. it feels different on christmas. on christmas even when theres nothing special going on, theres a little hope that i feel. that things will somehow be ok in the future. maybe cuz its the last month of the year. this is how i feel on new years day too which is btw my favorite holiday. on new years day i feel hopeful and happy that a year has passed and new things will start again. my favorite season will come back again and ill face whatever crazy stuff life has to throw at me. my attitude towards christmas is starting to become like how i treat new years day.
its lonely but comforting. even when u have nobody there is still that mysterious charm to life. u never know whats going to happen next whether its sad or happy but it still happens and it makes life enjoyable. its like when u feel sad and start to cry but u still cant help but smile for some reason. christmas is my 2nd favorite holiday now lol new years is still number 1
ranking my top most influential media
i forgot to rank them last post well ill just make a new post anyway since that one was long as hell
1. Classic rock / kagepro (i put both of them here because i genuinely dont know which one would be more influential to me. theyre like my top most influential things to me based on what i like now. if it werent for these 2 then i would not be the same person)
2. ymo / ryuichi sakamoto / mcml (i know i just got into it like 6 months ago but it was influential to me ok i would not be the same person without ymo or ryuichi)
3. kirb / utdr / mlp / ppg (i forgot to say ppg is what made me start digital art)
4. studio trigger anime + mha (got me into anime yeah)
5. ashita no joe (i wanted it to be higher and i still love anj buttt other things were more influential to me i think)
6. okegom / dsp
7. devilman
8. little match girl
9. kekkai sensen
Monday, September 15, 2025
most influential pieces of media to me
wanna talk abt media that influenced me in some way (not really favorites but influenced me) i may not like some of these anymore but i wont lie the influence that they had on me
MERRY CHRISTMAS MR LAWRENCE (THE SONG) - boy i already talked abt this but listening to this song at the age of 7 really changed me ngl. and to think years later... that i would become a hardcore ryuichi sakamoto fan... truly astonishing
kirby, undertale (+ deltarune), mlp, ppg - grouping them all together because they all influenced me in the same way. those were like the first fandoms that i was ever in. especially ppg because i used to draw so much ppg fanart. and also for undertale it influenced my writing style kinda. and kinda got me interested in rpgs. also undertale was like my first exposure to gay people lmao
my hero academia - sighhh i think mha was the first anime that i ever watched. i dont like it anymore but it was like my first taste of "actual" anime. i put actual in quotes because ofc i watched stuff like pokemon and crayon shin chan, detective conan, dorameon, etc. but i didnt really see them as anime yknow. those were just like korean cartoons to me lol
studio trigger anime - studio trigger anime were the animes that really got me into anime i think. like kill la kill, space patrol luluco, little witch academia. also they influenced my artstyle a lot i think
kekkai sensen - idk if this really influenced me but i loved this anime to death back in like 2015-2017. i think it made me want to go to new york really badly lol. still one of my favorites of all time. also banger soundtrack with gorgeous art. idk kekkai sensen is everything i want to see in a slice of life anime with slight plot
okegom/dsp works - ssighhh i dont like or support okegom/dsp anymore but i cant lie the amount of influence they had on my art. their art and character designs are still one of my favorites to look up to and get inspired by. god i wish dsp was normal cuz i love their art/character designs so much and also watgbs wasnt that bad. i still love wadanohara
classic rock (esp the beatles and led zep) - idk if this really counts as media. but like i used to have a huge classic rock phase when i was like 13/14 i think. and it really was the start of my musical journey i think. into discovering newer genres and also getting obsessed with retro stuff so yeah it influenced me a lot. not a huge fan of either bands anymore but i still listen to them from time to time and i still like their songs. not a fan of the members tho lol. also i hate the beatles fandom now. wow theyre so annoying
kagepro - i already wrote an entire essay abt this so i dont have to write anything more lol. but my god i would not be the person i am today without this series. was the catalyst for my adventure into the world of japanese music.
devilman - really got me into older anime/manga. im so happy i read this series. i love older anime and manga. i was influenced by my classic rock phase of liking retro stuff more than modern stuff
ashita no joe - truly truly the most inspiring story ever. got me into sports for quite a while. and i still think it has the greatest ending in all of manga history. fav manga ever. inspired me so much mentally. also it helped me a bit to get rid of my social anxiety.
ymo/ryuichi sakamoto - self explanatory
Saturday, September 13, 2025
daily thoughts 9/13/25
ryuichi sakamoto changed my life bro
watched a 1 hr long ryuichi interview today and it changed me lowkey. everytime i feel like a failure and feel like my art is meaningless and i want to kill myself i just watch some ryuichi interview and then feel inspired again. genuinely the greatest person thats ever lived.
him talking abt how he constantly reinvents himself and his music which throws him back to being a beginner and its like discovering music for the first time again 💔💔i needed to hear that especially right now cuz i feel like im a beginner and everyone else is so much better than me. thank you ryuichi for telling the world that it isnt wrong to be a beginner even in our competitive society. and thank you for being humble all the time.
and him talking abt the first trump presidency (the interview was from 2018) and his american friends were all crying and sobbing and he talked abt how important it was to still strive on and create art in these times. its more important to create art in times of desperation. I WILL ryuichi sakamoto thank you so much.
in art class today this one teacher who i fucking hate was making fun of me for being slow and kept pressuring me that time was ticking. and i really thought abt if i should even go to art school in the first place and just give up but then i remembered ryuichi sakamoto exists and i got a surge of inspiration in me
also in the interview he said that he was learning korean french and chinese all at the same time when he was in his late 60s. ITS NEVER TOO LATE!
godd i wanna talk to someone abt how much i love ryuichi sakamoto and how much he changed my life but they probably wont even know who im talking abt 😭😭need some other ryuichi sakamoto fan to geek out with. need another ryuichi fan whos as crazy as me
me when ryuichi sakamoto tells me to keep living and keep fighting to make the world a better place and keep creating art for the sake of humanity
changing my hair
i started curling my hair recently and this is exactly the type of hair that i wanted when i was 13 lol i lowkey kinda look like this akina pic
or atleast i hope so (im delusional) this akina look was so fire that aura oh my god... one of my fav akina pics of all time. if only i could have as much aura as akina 💔
Friday, September 12, 2025
daily thoughts 9/12/25
not being good at anything
sometimes i truly feel like im not good at anything at all. the things that i want to do i do it but i suck at it so bad. its kinda painful when u suck at all ur hobbies and passions
like im decent at art, im suck at writing, i suck at reading, i suck at basically everything else that isnt those 3, i suck at playing the piano.
i feel like i only exist just to make others feel better. like i show my terrible grades to my friends so they can laugh at it and feel better abt their own grades
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| im just like her fr |
listened to ongaku zukan (illustrated musical encyclopedia)
another 10/10 by ryuichi sakamoto this man truly do not miss. i actually listened to this a while ago and i really did love it but i relistened to it again and my appreciation for it has grown even bigger. when i first listened to it i thought maybe 9/10 i liked it but i felt like it sounded too video game-y for me. but now that i relistened i take back my opinion and have to say this album is lowkey a masterpiece. theres so many good songs on here
favs were: self portrait, field work, ma mere l'oye, paradise lost, hane no hayashi de, m4 tod, m2 bill, so basically almost every single song
paradise lost and m4 tod lowkey be sounding like earthbound
Wednesday, September 10, 2025
daily thoughts 9/10/25
being media illiterate
im not media illiterate but i wish i could do deeper dives on a piece of media. i do the most surface level analysis ever on everything and it kills me. i understand the themes and characters of a certain story but i can never catch all the metaphors and symbolism and whatnot and it makes me feel so stupid bro. i always look up analysis done by other ppl and it just feels like cheating. and they say all these things that ive never even thought abt before and wow i really am stupid huh.
i really want to get better at analysis but im so stupid bro and im terrified of criticism and having the "wrong take" on a story. i really wish i could just restart my entire life
Tuesday, September 9, 2025
daily thoughts 9/9/25
music
im probably gonna sound pretentious but i lowkey hate it when ppl say they dont got a favorite artist or band like wdym!!!!!!!!!!!! and i hate the excuse ohhg i just listen to so many artists i cant pick one!!! like ok.. fine.. but like.. how. even music critics and musicians all got a favorite. like damn bro u never had an artist that literally changed ur life when u first heard a song from them ok.
ymo and ryuichi sakamoto are my fav band/artist btw. if u couldnt tell. discovering ur favorite artist/band is something so magical. i remember when i first heard ymo i actually didnt think really much abt it. but i listened to them more and i slowly started falling in love. it was like when the winter changed into spring and my love for ymo grew like a flower. and from ymo i started listening to their solo works and discovering ryuichi sakamoto's music was like me searching for something that ive longed to find for a long time but didnt know exactly what i was searching for in the first place. and then finding out the fact that it was this man who had sat down at that piano and played merry christmas mr lawrence all those years ago was truly a magical moment for me.
something abt ryuichi's music just hits different for me idk. if u look at his discography and listen to them one by one u will notice that none of them sound the same and theyre all so different. like thousand knives (his debut album) was already very experimental. and then b2 unit was also experimental but had more of a robotic sound and less melodically focused and more fixated on noises and sounds. and then next came left handed dream which sounds completely different from his previous 2 albums where it was more slower and calmer and had more of a japanese folk sound.
i can go on all day man. ryuichi's music just has a certain feeling/emotion to it that i cant find from any other artist not to say that other artists dont have any emotion (they do) its just that ryuichi's music just creates an entirely new emotion for me. hes that special musician for me
Being a shadow fan
no im not talking abt sonic. idk if anyone else does this but do u guys know everything abt like a certain piece of media that u never read/watched. shadow fan is just something that i came up with cuz idk what else to call it.
like i used to know everything abt gundam's plot and i used to interact with the fandom and retweet fanart and stuff even tho i never watched it 💀 i was interested in it back then and it was on my watchlist but i never watched it until i finally did. but before watching it, i used to retweet all the gundam fanart and like tweets that discusssed gundam lol.
im kinda doing the same thing with homestuck rn loll im still reading it (i have no time to read) but i keep liking all the fanart and watching homestuck videos even tho im still in like the very beginning lol
song otd 9/9/25
Today's song of the day is SELF PORTRAIT by Ryuichi Sakamoto! ive been so in love with this song lately. it sounds super nostalgic. i feel like ive heard it a long time ago before. this sounds like something i wouldve listened to when i was like 6 or 7. it kinda sounds like something out of an 80s-90s anime soundtrack (it reminds me of oniisama e for some reason)
i love the parts where that one guitar chord gets struck like at 1:02 sounds extremely nostalgic. and that ending i love it so much with that xylophone. this song is so nostalgic omgg im so nostalgia brained. so calming and soothing
its songs like these that make me wanna cry everytime i remember ryuichi sakamoto is dead. he put out so much great art and music into the world. hes made such an impact on so many people.
Monday, September 8, 2025
daily thoughts 9/8/25
japan yaoi 😭😭😭
im like 90% sure im gonna sound insane to normal people but i gotta talk abt this. so theres this english new wave band called japan (yes that is literally their name) and they used to collaborate alot with ymo and their members. so this is the only reason why i know them.
and i follow one of the members of japan (steve jansen) on twitter just because and please tell me why this 60 year old man is posting literal yaoi of him and his bandmates there 💀
like are we deadass. LMAOOO seeing a 60 year old british white man type out the word "yaoi" is frying me so bad. why is he so calm abt it too like ppl were shipping him and his bandmates together in the 1980s 💀💀 bro this man is not real. this band is not real. hes lowkey kinda funny and loves his fans obviously a lot. his tweets are so funny man. i should get into japan tbh
like oh my god bruh 💀💀💀im glad he loves his fans tho
also this one is insane tf u mean ppl used to draw yaoi of u and ur friends and then hand them to you directly in person
i love steve jansen so much actually i might get into japan just for him. his twitter is so funny. hes such a goofball and ive heard hes the kind one out of the band. the japan fandom are like my cousins so ive heard a lot of stories abt this band involuntarily 💀 their lore is insane bro
also slightly related there was this manga called 8 beat gag written by atsuko shima and it was basically like 80s musicians crossover getting in wacky hijinks with each other and the fucking author atsuko shima ships ryuichi sakamoto and david sylvian (from japan) 💀💀 and apparently ryuichi sakamoto knows abt it and said that he liked it bro 😭😭💔💔💔 why do these men love yaoi
Sunday, September 7, 2025
daily thoughts 9/7/25
loneliness
this the last post on loneliness i swear! urghhh i try not to think abt it but when i think abt it its like i really feel like im gonna be alone most of my life. i just cant deal with people.
ive been lonely for so long my entire life. i know its not a part of me. loneliness is not a part of my identity. but i cant help but feel that it is sometimes.
ive had social anxiety since i was in preschool and it stuck with me for a very long time even today i still have some bit of it left inside me. i only ever had like 1 or 2 friends sometimes none during all my school years. it was very painful. and also i keep mentioning this but i fear its a core part of my lore i wasnt close with my family either so i was always alone in everything
throughout my elementary years, i would always just sit next to the teacher during recess and talk to them or swing on the swings or just roam around the playground aimlessly or sometimes i would try to just go off school grounds because nobody was gonna care anyway
in 3rd grade i was on the swings alone by myself and these group of girls had one of their friends on the swing next to me and they were all pushing her. but one of the kids that was pushing got behind me and i accidentally kicked them in the stomach. and all the girls stopped what they were doing and helped their friend. i got off my swing too and tried to ask the girl if she was okay but they all gave me a glare and walked away and this moment really was a turning point in my life that i was never going to fit in with other people. it was like a permanent mark of being forever labeled as the quiet kid
ill still keep fighting to be accepted, ill still try to be kind and make others laugh, but i really am just so tired
im trying not to do the corny ass u will always be a lonely little girl like u were in the past but it keeps happening. bruh this post is so cornball im glad i have a blog to dump all this trash on here that nobodys gonna look at except for my one trusty best friend pookie dookie oogly baby lemon squeezy girltoy best friend
also i hate to do this but some ppl really dont get loneliness like i do! (this is so cringe i know) like they dont know what its like to go ur entire day without speaking a single word to anyone, they dont know what its like to never have a partner in pe!, they dont know what its like to have someone be disappointed that they had to be paired up with you, they dont know what its like to always have someone say who's that when ur names mentioned, they dont know what its like of wanting to stand in the middle of the road because whos gonna care anyway, they dont know! they dont know !!!!!!!!!!
this is stupid
Saturday, September 6, 2025
daily thoughts 9/6/25
mariko shinobu.
trying so hard rn not to regress back into my pathetic nobody loves me and nobody cares abt me phase 💔everytime i think like this i think abt mariko shinobu. bro she really is the teenage girl of all time. the most teenage girl character of all time. thinking nobody likes you and have low self esteem and lonely asf and lowkey having a homoerotic relationship with ur girl best friend and the sucidial ideation and hating urself and hating urself
im going thru it rn i need to be positive at all tims or elses i will explodes... need to care more abt my freinds...
see how the world goes around! you've got to help yourself! see how the world goes around! and you may help me! (ymo lyrics)
fucking badass picture of yukihiro takahashi holding a fish
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| fucking badass picture of yukihiro takahashi holding a fish |
fucking badass picture of yukihiro takahashi holding a fish
Friday, September 5, 2025
song otd 9/5/25
ok yeah so idk what happened yesterday im normal now. i swear i got some disorder or something. like bipolar disorder. cuz one day im like i hate my friends i hate my family i hate everyone. and then the next day im like why did i say that im such a terrible person.
Today's song of the day is Diversey Beach by Resavoir! ive been listening to resavoir a lot recently. theyre lowkey so good. very nice.... very calm.... perfect to listen to if ur doing hw or something. just pure vibes. theyre like american lamp to me except they sound nothing alike so theyre actually not like lamp at all. wanna read a book while listening to resavoir and sitting outside under all the nature. #vibes
Thursday, September 4, 2025
daily thoughts 9/4/25
sad again
the way ive defeated the social anxiety but not the soul crushing loneliness. idk i feel like its just this school tbh cuz i still havent found a single person who i felt a connection with.
yall know that one saying that one quote or whatever where its like "you wait for someone to get disappointed in you" thats me except im the opposite lol i get disappointed by people a lot 😭😭
i was having the worst day ever today and literally on the verge of crying and i told my friend to stop bothering me and she wouldnt stop fucking bothering me. so yeah i almost cried today. i didnt even tell her to comfort me because i know her ass cant comfort for shit. i just told her to leave me alone.
in my i hate my friends and my family and everyone phase again </3
genuinely convinced nobody actually likes me and only likes me when im trying to be funny
i hate it so much whenever i have a mental breakdown cuz ive never found a way to properly cope with it and im just miserable for a day or two and its genuinely impossible for me to be happy again until like tomorrow
and whenever i cry i mean i CRY like so much to the point where i genuinely feel like throwing up and my body temperature is so high my head hurts and all i can do is lay down
speaking of throwing up idk why but ever since like 3-4 months ago ive always felt like throwing up for no reason and i keep coughing like that type of coughing that u do whenever u feel like throwing up
whatever whatever i need to go listen to ryuichi sakamoto and learn the joy of life again thank you for existing ryuichi sakamoto the way ill never kill myself because of ymo and ryuichi sakamoto
<3
is it only me or does anyone else see the heart keyboard emoticon like this like a face
Wednesday, September 3, 2025
daily thoughts 9/3/25
aint no way ppl dont listen to music
my econ class last week did all about me presentations and u had to answer the question who ur fav band/artist is and several people were like i dont listen to a lot of music or i have too many favorites to choose. like bro i know ur ass is lying!!! aint no way u dont listen to music or dont have a specific favorite artist. just be real bro its not embarrassing 💔
me and this one other person at my table and this one dude were like the only ones who didnt name a mainstream artist loll. i really told the whole class my fav band is ymo. everyone else said like sza and drake and kanye and like thats ok but i feel like some of them are just lying so that they can fit in and dont get made fun of
Tuesday, September 2, 2025
daily thoughts 9/2/25
im sick
im sick.
HOMESTUCK!!
im actually so excited for the homestuck animated pilot thats gonna come out this month omg. im so exciting bro. ive been reading the homestuck webcomic and im ngl acts 1-2 are so ass. im in act 3 rn and it got slightly better. im excited for act 4 cuz people say thats when the story really starts to pick up.
i hope the homestuck animated pilot makes acts 1-2 less confusing and more fun
Monday, September 1, 2025
daily thoughts 9/1/25
happy september
god how is it already september why is time going by so fast im scared pls stop reminding me of my wasted youth time
gaining my personality back
this school years been so great ive been gaining my personality back. when i was a little kid i used to be a brave and bold kid that sometimes even bullied other kids LMAO but after a few years i became shy and isolated and lonely but now i think im starting to gain my old personality back. ive always felt like i was a brave and snarky and sarcastic type of character and im glad its starting to show up more now that ive started talking to a lot of people. it used to take almost like 6 months for me to start opening up my true self to others but now its like idc anymore. i used to be afraid of making jokes and stuff.
also im glad im an initiator now instead of wallowing in my own self pity of my pathetic urhggh why wont anyone talk to me. im happy to be a leader instead of letting others take care of me. i feel like an adult lol. also its so much easier for me to hold a conversation when im the one leading it. i also love including others in my own circle. i feel like such a kind and caring person now. i truly changed wow. for once in my life i actually feel confident abt myself like even when i get talked over or something im just like whatever. not a big deal. i always used to get sad whenever i got talked over or ignored but its just like wahtever now yknow i know my worth! i know deep in my heart i was always meant to be a natural born leader!
a flower is not a flower
just thought abt this song again god its so beautiful man. yknow when ryuichi talked abt the sounds and silence between the notes i had no idea what he meant but now i know. the silence in between the notes in this song is so heavy and says so much. its like this song was meant to be a duet but the other person is gone and now ur just playing by urself. and as the song goes on u try to fill in the gaps left by the other person by playing the notes in the silence. trying to overcome ur grief and trying so hard to make the song happier and forcing urself be happier. do u guys get what im saying. im gonna cry
SPEAKING of ryuichiii...
i always think abt this one review on letterboxd of that ryuichi sakamoto documentary coda. god this person really nailed the message that ryuichi sakamoto wanted to send out to the world. its worded so beautifully and perfectly. my favorite hobby really is listening to ryuichi sakamoto's music and thinking abt how beautiful life can be and how humans get to create art even in the worst of times. man who would i be without ryuichi sakamoto. genuinely the biggest inspiration in my life on literally everything.
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