daily thoughts 9/12/25

not being good at anything

sometimes i truly feel like im not good at anything at all. the things that i want to do i do it but i suck at it so bad. its kinda painful when u suck at all ur hobbies and passions

like im decent at art, im suck at writing, i suck at reading, i suck at basically everything else that isnt those 3, i suck at playing the piano.

i feel like i only exist just to make others feel better. like i show my terrible grades to my friends so they can laugh at it and feel better abt their own grades

im just like her fr

listened to ongaku zukan (illustrated musical encyclopedia)

another 10/10 by ryuichi sakamoto this man truly do not miss. i actually listened to this a while ago and i really did love it but i relistened to it again and my appreciation for it has grown even bigger. when i first listened to it i thought maybe 9/10 i liked it but i felt like it sounded too video game-y for me. but now that i relistened i take back my opinion and have to say this album is lowkey a masterpiece. theres so many good songs on here

favs were: self portrait, field work, ma mere l'oye, paradise lost, hane no hayashi de, m4 tod, m2 bill, so basically almost every single song

paradise lost and m4 tod lowkey be sounding like earthbound

daily thoughts 9/10/25

being media illiterate

im not media illiterate but i wish i could do deeper dives on a piece of media. i do the most surface level analysis ever on everything and it kills me. i understand the themes and characters of a certain story but i can never catch all the metaphors and symbolism and whatnot and it makes me feel so stupid bro. i always look up analysis done by other ppl and it just feels like cheating. and they say all these things that ive never even thought abt before and wow i really am stupid huh.

i really want to get better at analysis but im so stupid bro and im terrified of criticism and having the "wrong take" on a story. i really wish i could just restart my entire life 

daily thoughts 9/9/25

music

im probably gonna sound pretentious but i lowkey hate it when ppl say they dont got a favorite artist or band like wdym!!!!!!!!!!!! and i hate the excuse ohhg i just listen to so many artists i cant pick one!!! like ok.. fine.. but like.. how. even music critics and musicians all got a favorite. like damn bro u never had an artist that literally changed ur life when u first heard a song from them ok. 

ymo and ryuichi sakamoto are my fav band/artist btw. if u couldnt tell. discovering ur favorite artist/band is something so magical. i remember when i first heard ymo i actually didnt think really much abt it. but i listened to them more and i slowly started falling in love. it was like when the winter changed into spring and my love for ymo grew like a flower. and from ymo i started listening to their solo works and discovering ryuichi sakamoto's music was like me searching for something that ive longed to find for a long time but didnt know exactly what i was searching for in the first place. and then finding out the fact that it was this man who had sat down at that piano and played merry christmas mr lawrence all those years ago was truly a magical moment for me. 

something abt ryuichi's music just hits different for me idk. if u look at his discography and listen to them one by one u will notice that none of them sound the same and theyre all so different. like thousand knives (his debut album) was already very experimental. and then b2 unit was also experimental but had more of a robotic sound and less melodically focused and more fixated on noises and sounds. and then next came left handed dream which sounds completely different from his previous 2 albums where it was more slower and calmer and had more of a japanese folk sound. 

i can go on all day man. ryuichi's music just has a certain feeling/emotion to it that i cant find from any other artist not to say that other artists dont have any emotion (they do) its just that ryuichi's music just creates an entirely new emotion for me. hes that special musician for me

Being a shadow fan

no im not talking abt sonic. idk if anyone else does this but do u guys know everything abt like a certain piece of media that u never read/watched. shadow fan is just something that i came up with cuz idk what else to call it. 

like i used to know everything abt gundam's plot and i used to interact with the fandom and retweet fanart and stuff even tho i never watched it 💀 i was interested in it back then and it was on my watchlist but i never watched it until i finally did. but before watching it, i used to retweet all the gundam fanart and like tweets that discusssed gundam lol. 

im kinda doing the same thing with homestuck rn loll im still reading it (i have no time to read) but i keep liking all the fanart and watching homestuck videos even tho im still in like the very beginning lol

song otd 9/9/25

Today's song of the day is SELF PORTRAIT by Ryuichi Sakamoto! ive been so in love with this song lately. it sounds super nostalgic. i feel like ive heard it a long time ago before. this sounds like something i wouldve listened to when i was like 6 or 7. it kinda sounds like something out of an 80s-90s anime soundtrack (it reminds me of oniisama e for some reason)

i love the parts where that one guitar chord gets struck like at 1:02 sounds extremely nostalgic. and that ending i love it so much with that xylophone. this song is so nostalgic omgg im so nostalgia brained. so calming and soothing

its songs like these that make me wanna cry everytime i remember ryuichi sakamoto is dead. he put out so much great art and music into the world. hes made such an impact on so many people.

my blog is so funny cuz one day ill make the most mentally ill depressing post ever and then the next day ill be talking abt yaoi magic orchestra

daily thoughts 9/8/25

japan yaoi 😭😭😭

im like 90% sure im gonna sound insane to normal people but i gotta talk abt this. so theres this english new wave band called japan (yes that is literally their name) and they used to collaborate alot with ymo and their members. so this is the only reason why i know them.

and i follow one of the members of japan (steve jansen) on twitter just because and please tell me why this 60 year old man is posting literal yaoi of him and his bandmates there 💀

like are we deadass. LMAOOO seeing a 60 year old british white man type out the word "yaoi" is frying me so bad. why is he so calm abt it too like ppl were shipping him and his bandmates together in the 1980s 💀💀 bro this man is not real. this band is not real. hes lowkey kinda funny and loves his fans obviously a lot. his tweets are so funny man. i should get into japan tbh

like oh my god bruh 💀💀💀im glad he loves his fans tho

also this one is insane tf u mean ppl used to draw yaoi of u and ur friends and then hand them to you directly in person

i love steve jansen so much actually i might get into japan just for him. his twitter is so funny. hes such a goofball and ive heard hes the kind one out of the band. the japan fandom are like my cousins so ive heard a lot of stories abt this band involuntarily 💀 their lore is insane bro

also slightly related there was this manga called 8 beat gag written by atsuko shima and it was basically like 80s musicians crossover getting in wacky hijinks with each other and the fucking author atsuko shima ships ryuichi sakamoto and david sylvian (from japan) 💀💀 and apparently ryuichi sakamoto knows abt it and said that he liked it bro 😭😭💔💔💔 why do these men love yaoi

daily thoughts 9/7/25

loneliness

this the last post on loneliness i swear! urghhh i try not to think abt it but when i think abt it its like i really feel like im gonna be alone most of my life. i just cant deal with people.

ive been lonely for so long my entire life. i know its not a part of me. loneliness is not a part of my identity. but i cant help but feel that it is sometimes. 

ive had social anxiety since i was in preschool and it stuck with me for a very long time even today i still have some bit of it left inside me. i only ever had like 1 or 2 friends sometimes none during all my school years. it was very painful. and also i keep mentioning this but i fear its a core part of my lore i wasnt close with my family either so i was always alone in everything

throughout my elementary years, i would always just sit next to the teacher during recess and talk to them or swing on the swings or just roam around the playground aimlessly or sometimes i would try to just go off school grounds because nobody was gonna care anyway

in 3rd grade i was on the swings alone by myself and these group of girls had one of their friends on the swing next to me and they were all pushing her. but one of the kids that was pushing got behind me and i accidentally kicked them in the stomach. and all the girls stopped what they were doing and helped their friend. i got off my swing too and tried to ask the girl if she was okay but they all gave me a glare and walked away and this moment really was a turning point in my life that i was never going to fit in with other people. it was like a permanent mark of being forever labeled as the quiet kid

ill still keep fighting to be accepted, ill still try to be kind and make others laugh, but i really am just so tired

im trying not to do the corny ass u will always be a lonely little girl like u were in the past but it keeps happening. bruh this post is so cornball im glad i have a blog to dump all this trash on here that nobodys gonna look at except for my one trusty best friend pookie dookie oogly baby lemon squeezy girltoy best friend

also i hate to do this but some ppl really dont get loneliness like i do! (this is so cringe i know) like they dont know what its like to go ur entire day without speaking a single word to anyone, they dont know what its like to never have a partner in pe!, they dont know what its like to have someone be disappointed that they had to be paired up with you, they dont know what its like to always have someone say who's that when ur names mentioned, they dont know what its like of wanting to stand in the middle of the road because whos gonna care anyway, they dont know! they dont know !!!!!!!!!!

this is stupid